Secrets

Secrets lurk beneath the surface, hide in dimensions, lie awaiting discovery in the crevices of our soul, in the black holes of the universe. Sometimes secrets are necessary. At times they lend your character mystery, even if that secret isn't extraordinary. Sometimes secrets are kept that could harm a person you love, and, thus, they are stored away to protect both parties from an unnecessary circumstance.

 It is not always that secrets should be kept, especially if it goes so far as to breach the sanctity of a bond. In the realm of trust, the heart is given with the understanding that it shall be respected. While observing the nature of relationships from afar and near, I've noticed the insidious form secrets take when kept for selfish reasons. Countless scenarios stream pass my mind of those secrets that I've seen slowly lead to the atrophy of even the most seemingly beautiful relationship, be it platonic, romantic, or familial.

By selfish, I mean fostering the knowledge of a secret that would wholly disrespect the person for whom you care deeply. Such knowledge is damaging because you are  aware of certain boundaries that should not be crossed ( established earlier in the relationship through conversation or is understood through common sense), because, if crossed, it will cause that person pain that will never fully heal. Sometimes, in such a scenario, it is best to be forthright and honest, because such secrets, or withheld truths, can, at times, become lies. Such lies will cut far deeper than the truth and could thoroughly decimate the most precious of bonds.

If you truly love someone,  as a good friend, a lover, or blood relative, then let not falsehood adulterate the commitment you've made to that person. One of the most beautiful aspects unique to humanity is their ability to love. It is saddening, and almost frightening, how capable we are of hurting those we love, because they are at their most vulnerable. When we seek to hurt them, we strike far deeper, because we know exactly where and how to strike. I have the solemn hope that we would take better care in how we treat one another.

 When you love someone, be true.



Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Trust is taking a leap of faith and hoping that someone will catch you

So I always try my best to be honest, because I've felt the harmful rays of lies. However, I could never very well articulate the destructiveness of lies as well as the article below. 

TRUTHING & TRUSTING
An honest look at the effects of dishonesty

By Stan Dale

Stan Dale, DHS, author and founder of the Human Awareness Institute, started the Love, Intimacy & Sexuality workshops in 1968, and nearly 75,000 people have since attended. For more information on Stan Dale and HAI, please see the listings in Seminars.

Trust is taking a leap of faith and hoping that someone will catch you

Whether we're aware of it or not, we communicate 24 hours a day. Even in dreams we communicate. Even when we aren't saying anything we communicate. Our relationships are strengthened or destroyed by communication — there is virtually nothing else involved in a personal relationship except communication of one form or another. Trust is the only reliable foundation on which a relationship can be built and honesty is the cornerstone.

"When we lie, we destroy relationships..."
Throughout my life as a husband, lover, father, friend and therapist, I have experienced and observed the destructive power of dishonest communication. When we lie, we destroy relationships - both the one we have with ourselves and those we have with others. Lying is counter communication. It erodes the very foundation of a relationship. It is a time bomb that will eventually destroy the relationship.

Telling a lie weakens the already weak self-esteem of the liar. The person to whom the lie is told (whether or not s/he ever finds out the truth) feels the effect of the lie. Why? Because lies are negative communications. Many relationships are falling apart because trust (if it ever existed) is being eroded; one more lie, one more time bomb planted.

Dishonesty is a protective device. Lies are protective devices. We think we are protecting the other person when we lie, but in reality we are protecting ourselves. Lies are told because the person lying believes that s/he has no other choice. S/he is too afraid to tell the truth. When we lie, we set the time bomb ticking, and the explosion will rip through the delicate fabric we attempt to weave between ourselves and someone else.

"There is no real love Without trust."
We're being two-faced if we say, "I love you" and then lie to that same person. There is no real love without trust. If we don't trust the person we say we love, how can we ever be vulnerable? How can we ever be intimate? And, if we can't be vulnerable and intimate, what do we have but a lie?

One day, ka-BOOM! Why? Because communication finally broke down beyond the point of repair.

There are two basic lies — the overt and the covert. The overt lie is usually spoken. It's a falsehood. Even a little white one.

The covert lie is more subtle and the most often used. Its telltale signs can sometimes be observed in body language — such a darting, downcast, or side-glancing eyes; twitching of some part of an extremity; false smiles; a deadpan face; etc.. In other words, the covert lie is usually something that needs to be said, but isn't. It is often more damaging than the bold-faced lie because the other person may never perceive that something is wrong. Reading body language takes quite a bit of practice. If covert lying can be detected, the time bomb can be defused before it explodes.

Envision a gorge. The only thing connecting the two land masses is a bridge hand built by those who dared to risk. Isn't that the process two people take when they try to establish a friendship? Two entities wish to connect. They put out furtive feelers, then become slightly bolder the more they think they can trust each other.

Each communication, no matter how conveyed, is one more plank in that bridge. The more honestly we communicate, the more we get to know one another and the stronger the bridge becomes. The more we know each other, the sooner we lower the barriers of self protection. We often approach others as if we were knights in armor. Slowly we shake hands "checking for weapons" as in the days of old. Then, slower yet, we raise the visor to "see" the other person.

"Intimacy is total vulnerability."
Why are we so protective? Probably because intimacy is frightening to us. It may be the single most frightening thing we face. The effect of being totally intimate is being totally naked — emotionally, psychically, and possibly even physically. Being intimate is letting every part of me connect or touch with every part of you.

Intimacy is total vulnerability. Now I am totally defenseless. Every time we lie, hiding our "nakedness," we are telling the other person, "I don't trust you" and further weakening the painstakingly built bridge between the two people. We are so afraid of hurting others and of being hurt that we do the very thing that is guaranteed to destroy what we cherish. The paradox of being totally naked, vulnerable and intimate is that we are also totally potent. In reality, we cannot hurt or be hurt unless we choose it.

Being naked, vulnerable and intimate with someone else is first to say that we are totally naked, vulnerable and intimate with ourselves. Do we trust ourselves or not? That is the ultimate question. Do we trust that we can handle whatever comes our way or will we run scared, hiding in the tunnel of darkness that is laden with ignorance and fear?

The decision, of course, is up to each one of us.

Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

You only have one life to live, live it right

How often have we said goodbye to something or someone that we love? Suddenly, it seems that it is far too late to lay our souls and hearts bare. How often have we allowed resentment to barricade kind words? What does it take for us to realize that vengeance never pays? What is there to gain from hurting others? Of throwing daggered words so fierce you hurt one far deeper than they hurt you? When is it ok to let anger blind reason that we make a very fatal mistake?

Must we wait for loss? Must we wait to listen to heavy sighs and stifling silence, the sniffles in the corner of the room? The piercing wails of irretrievable love? Until we hear the soul-hurt cries that bring relentless tears?

Many times in life we have heard that life is too short for petty arguments, too precious to be wasted, and yet, in the busy successions of mundane tasks, it's quite easy to forget. In reality, you may be a kind soul, respectful to all that cross your path, and sadly encounter those who take advantage of you, or push you to your limit. Sometimes we forget, in anger, to focus on the moment, because emotions ARE powerful enough to distract us from what truly is important. Of course, there are materialistic desires we want and believe we need. In short, we lose focus, we forget, we get distracted...until, that is, something brings you back to earth.

 Still, in life, it's important to pause and take into account who and what is important. It's essential to transcend negative emotions and find a more positive approach to the situation. You won't regret it. Don't let your last words be filled with anger or hurtful intent. Be kind, respectful, and mindful of your impact on others. Don't be so consumed with materialism that you forget what truly is important: your family and your friends ( to name a couple).

Don't let the condescending words of others push you to anger, or make you feel inferior. Remember, in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." It doesn't matter what school you attend, what car your drive, what job you have, so long as YOU are happy. So long as you have touched someone's life. So long as you have loved and loved deeply. Appreciate those around you and value their presence, before it's too late.


Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Progeria: Angels sent to teach humanity to love a little deeper

Two adorable girls diagnosed with Progeria

Note: At the end of this entry I list the contact information for the Progeria Research Foundation if you want to help. There's no greater feeling than making a difference in someone's life. It's an even greater reward to make someone else happy.

Progeria is a debilitating, fatal, genetic  disease that cause children to age early, suffer from strokes, heart attacks and other symptoms atypical of old age.The average lifespan for children diagonosed with  Progeria is 13 years. According to the Progeria Research Foundation, as of December 2010 it affects 78 children worldwide. Children suffering from progeria lose their hair, teeth, develop fragile bones, tight skin,  stiff joints, have difficulty breathing, and some may have arthritis and osteoporosis. Despite their daily struggles and no cure, these children possess a passion and joy for life unequaled. They carry with them a spirit that transcends the most emphatic trifles and have touched people from all walks of life. Their strength and heartwarming disposition have inspired many to persist in their dreams. Their lives are a testimony that, indeed, your attitude impacts the way you live.


I first became interested in Progeria when I encountered a little boy dressed in a suit at Miami Airport in 2005. However, this little boy lookd more like an old man, but was  adorable. My mother told me that she believed the child had Progeria. "Pro...what?" I had never heard of it before. After research, the reason for my ignorance became clear. Progeria is an extremely rare disease, and therefore difficult to treat. The progeria gene was only discovered in 2003. Immediately I decided that for my Senior Seminar in highschool, I would try my best to raise money for little Lindsay and present on her. Since then my mother donates yearly.

If you take the time to watch their videos, hear their laughter, watch the way they tackle life, you'll suddenly pause and realize that your complaints are petty, that you can indeed fight a little harder. These kids never give up. While fighting their battles, the people around them fall in love with them. I wonder, what would the world be like if we had their spirit?


Old Age at 3, the story of Zachary Moore is by far one of the most awe-inspiring soul-felt books I've ever encountered. Written by his father, Keith Moore, we meet little Zachary, often called an angel, whose zest for life was an inspiration to others. He was born prematurely and as the months passed, he developed symptoms uncommon of a healthy child. His parents tirelessly searched and prayed for a diagnosis. Their researched unveiled numerous diseases that a child could have, and it was then that they realized what a miracle a healthy child is considering "the unhealthy percentage of children." As for little Zachary, at six months he developed symptoms  typical of Progeria, although his case was more severe. Daily his parents gave him physical therapy (at least five times a day) and tried their best to relieve his pain.  They invested their energy into making Zachary as happy as possible. He was their gift, and a gift to the world, and they cherished each day with him. 

There was much to learn from Zachary. Zachary's father recalls how daily, after he came home from work, Zach greeted him, yelling "Dadda!!!" with such glee. He writes:


If he is doing something he literally drops it and moves away to let me know he is ready for me and nothing else will get in the way. What a great feeling it is each day to come home to him... All relationships should be that way, but unfortunately that is not the case. There are high percentages of times when we cannot drop things and devote complete attention to our relationships. What we can do is prioritize what we should be devoting our attention to. Are two hours of television more important than our kids and spouse each evening?


How well do you prioritize your day? What is truly important to you?


Zachary approached life undaunted and made the most of it. His physical limitations never stopped him from trying, and he did not not allow excuses to detain him. Indeed, as Mr. Moore write, " We need to not focus on our limitations... Sometimes the worst situations present the best opportunities for growth."  Quite honestly, his words bespeak an inconstestbable truth. How often have we fallen into self-pity, told ourselves that we weren't strong enough, smart enough, good enough? How often have we allowed our fears to imprison us? It's best to forge ahead and give it a shot. You might fail, you might face rejection, but your strength comes from moving forward with lessons garnered.


Zachary's life may have been cut short (January 23, 2006), but he made a difference in the lives of others. How many can say that at two and three years old they gave people the strength to continue? stopped a man from committing suicide? inspired prisoners to maybe change their ways (some had up his picture on their cell wall) inspired others to love more?  Take for instance this beautiful passage and note the powerful mpact Zachary had on others:


Everywhere we go some person comes up and tells Zach they love him. Sometimes they tell him with those exact words and sometimes with their actions. It is a wonderful thing for Zachary and that person. Wouldn’t it be great if everybody treated children or even adults with that attitude? The attitude that they deeply care about this person and want to tell them or show them they love them because they may not get another chance. Do you treat your children this way? How about the rest of your family, friends, or even people you meet? It is a wonderful thing to see and be with Zachary and witness this everyday.


What if we could be a little more like Zachary?


How can I make a difference?Visit http://www.progeriaresearch.org to learn more about Progeria, donate and/or get involved.



Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone

"It is not time or opportunity that is to determine intimacy;-- it is disposition alone. Seven years would be insufficient to make some people acquainted with each other, and seven days are more than enough for others. " -Marianne on Willoughby in Jane Austen's  Sense and Sensibility

My cousin Alex's sand artwork

When I met my ex-boyfriend we exchanged many letters expressing our feelings for each other and delving into details of our days. Our phone conversations journeyed to the edge of the universe, touched on the  intricacies of love, involved  animals and their various propensities, fumbled upon funny stories about ourselves, and never once did our lips run dry of words. In truth, our topics knew no end or depth. How had I managed to meet someone who connected with me on many different levels? Despite the long distance, at the time,  we still managed to learn of one another's sensitivies and subtleties. Even in the end, we remained friends, understanding that life has a way of tossing obstacles our way so that we can grow, and sometimes that growth means recognizing that you both served a purpose by being in each other's lives.


 Love starts off, for most, as unexpected, then a giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach, beat of your heart, and a slight tingle here and there. Fanciful thoughts seem to sprout from nowhere as you imagine you and your targetted beloved holding hands, enjoying a dinner, movie, ice cream, and other minor adventures. Through your conversations, once you detect the slightest hint of interest in someone who you're clearly interested in, that's it, you're enraptured, but simply won't admit it. At least that's how it happened for me. Afterwards, we exchanged long heartfelt humurous letters, enjoyed conversations that saw the break of day (literally), played various online computer games while on web-cam, and simply enjoyed each other's company. Suddenly, we were "in love," (haha). Our relationship was by no means perfect, but all that mattered was that at certain moments we made each other happy. I remember him saying that one of the best feelings was seeing me smile and knowing he was the reason that smile was there. I understand him, because it feels great the moment I walk out my door to see a huge grin spread across his face. We make each other happy, what more could we ask for?



Several years ago, I attempted to describe love (forgive the rather hyperbolic language at times. Just try and get the gist of it):


I cannot tell you what love is, nor would any description do it justice, but I can tell you what I think love is. 

One of the most beautiful gifts given to mankind is love. The person I am is the fruit of the lessons learned from my family and friends. They have imprinted themselves permanently in me, becoming the beat to my heart, the rhythm to my walk, the comforting hug, the gentle kiss, the child-like smile, the pleasant thoughts, the forgiving nod, and every other mannerism that is me.

Love is the fuel, that energy that no one can live without. Once discovered it is priceless. It gives us an irreplaceable oomph, that optimistic “I Can Fly” feeling. Love is all the virtuousness done without a single thought. It is the ability to trust someone with your life, with your secrets, with your past, with the mistakes you have made and having faith that they will not ever betray you. It is those tiny pastel colored butterflies swirling around and dancing within you, being playful, innocent, and cute. Even when those fluttery butterflies decide to go on vacation, love becomes fiery arguments, a waterfall of tears, and an earthquake of fears and regrets that helps us to grow.

Love is learning to absorb the harmful rays of words, to realize that they were said out of anger, to forgive and finally to forget. You forget because you realize that time is valuable, that tomorrow may not come, and that we are flawed, vulnerable human beings. Love is taking the time to reflect, listen, and share. It is not being afraid to walk around with your heart out on your hand but the freedom to be open. Love is the sight to see the perfection and uniqueness so intricately stored within each and every one of us, and then letting your feelings of appreciation shine.

Love is a hearing the sound of a person’s voice who makes your heart skip a beat or two. It is that irresistible desire to want and pick up a phone to see how your loved one is. Those grimy thoughts of white lies and other forms of dishonesty that so crudely stains humanity, fade, blockaded by the purity of love. It is the willingness to sacrifice yourself because they mean more than the ground you walk on, because they are the reason you walk on that ground each day. It is that jittery, bounciness of happiness, surging through, jumping up and down, that propels us to want to do the most ludicrous of things. Love is warmly clasping a hand and never wanting to let go, or that gentle kiss that sings “You mean more to me than you could ever know,” or the tear droplets with the message of “I miss you,” or that tight teddy bear hug that says, “Don’t leave me,” or the dancing sparkle of the eyes resonating with, “You’re amazing.”

Love is happiness and the unity to stay together no matter what tribulations decide to come your way, because without your loved ones, there is no life, no giddiness, no will, no respect, no wants, just an unfortunate unwelcomed void of solitude and sadness.

Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

What's Essential is Invisible to the Eye

Dr. Leo Busgalia
“What is essential is invisible to the eye,” quoted Dr. Leo Busgalia from The Little Prince. The essentiality he is referring to are the qualities within us which makes us unique and limitlessly interesting. He believes that everyone has the capability to love; however very few of us realize that potential, or even know who we are and what love is. As the cliché goes, we “look for love in all the wrong places,” when, through it all, love is within us. Busgalia points out that humanity searches for answers outside, where the light is, and we fail and fear to explore the dark, the dark uncertainties that make up a vital part of who we are.
We build up insecurities and attempt to fulfill the requirements and roles outlined for us by society. All the while, we fail to realize that these laws were put in place because we are trying to find the one right way to live, to differentiate between good and bad, and to invent the perfect lifestyle. As we do so, we move further away from nature, an essential part of us, and label ourselves as superior. Our society is practically running by remote control. It is so technologically plagued that we are destroying ourselves and our world by forgetting ourselves ( a slight exaggeration, but you get the gist).
No one looks inward anymore. He suggested that we take the opportunity to collect all the holy books and read them, and then reflect on them because we will be amazed by the “commonalities” they share. We constrain ourselves with roles and labels, when we should be painting the world with our colors and beauty. He tells us that beauty lies within us, and it is what there is to love. We worry extensively about insignificant details, about what brand of shampoo we use or toothpaste, and about clothing. It is a waste of a time that could have been used to meditate on a journey of self-discovery. We worry about our body, which he says is “metaphysical and weightless.” It carries “what’s essential, but it itself is not essential.”
Throughout life, we search and search for an answer, hoping that out there somewhere, the millions of questions bubbling within each of us will be answered by some philosopher or some random person with a PHD. But “nobody has your answers.” The way to live is through simplicity. To forgive those who hurt you, be kind to your enemies, to know who you are not the “you other people tell you you are.” The moment we find that serenity within us, we’ll understand what he meant by “only with the heart can one see rightly,” the magic and the wonder people forget they are. If we are lucky enough to find ourselves, then we can give the best of who we are, and share with others that beauty. We will know, through sharing, that when we cry and laugh, we are not alone. We will know that love is living, giving, hurting, unity, despair and hope, and that “to live in life is to live in love, and to live in love is to live in life.”


Sand-Dollared Cataract by Sofia Mitchell is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.